You Look Well

The other day someone told me that I looked better and so I must feel that way too. These words were meant with the kindest intentions and I appreciate that, but they still stung. In the moment I said “thank you” because it was the most appropriate thing, but I wanted to say more, I wanted to say this...

I am someone who almost always seems fine, looks fine, seems functional, rational, “oh you’re so insightful,” resilient, and so on. In fact I have seemed fine, made small talk, gotten dressed and showered, and participated in everyday life in the midst of some of the most painful and challenging moments in my life. (Even in the times I didn’t feel I could go on any longer.)

“How could this have happened. it seems so out of the blue...” I don’t think these things are often true (beyond some specific circumstances), I think we just don’t see how well some people can mask pain, confusion, and so on. For example, I have seen patients who suffer from dementia that are so socially adept, they can pass in simple conversation despite not knowing where they are, who they are, and if they’ve turned the stove burner off. Unless you look a little deeper, you would never know what might be going on under the surface.

When it comes to mental illness I think this also applies.

I say this full well knowing that these kinds of comments are meant with the best of intentions and are only attempts at social glue, but it doesn’t change the impact they can have on someone. You never really know the weight of what someone is carrying or what they might be going through, despite seeming fine, functional, healthy, insightful etc.

This is just a gentle reminder to be kind and conscious with your words. Let us make more room for asking instead of assuming.