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CW - discussion of depression & suicidality

3 years ago today I was reaching my breaking point after months of reaching out for help with my worsening depression and the impact it was having on my ability to nourish myself.

Without a physician (I have never been able to find a family doctor) and struggling to work enough as a casual nurse to afford paying benefits, as well as multiple barriers to accessing extremely limited mental health services, surviving the brutal lows of depression was getting harder and harder.

Working as a nurse in acute care, through the early and unknown stages of the COVID-19 pandemic was the last straw. As high-functioning as I often appear to the world - that does not always reflect the degree of struggle it takes to perform that wellness for limited bursts of time.

I don’t have a nice, neat narrative to tell of healing - depression and related mental health challenges are something I continue to live with. I cannot wrap my story up in a bow and that is okay, because our stories deserve to be told not in spite of, but because of their nuance and challenges.

Most of 2020 I was mentally and physically non-functional - going from independence to relying on my parents to be live-in caregivers (which the healthcare system relied on as well because debilitating mental illness does not and has never been a priority when push comes to shove.)

It took over a year to access some support to get me slightly steadier - though it was certainly not without harm or further challenges.

Today there is still an enormous challenge in accessing mental health services, especially without benefits for the last 3 years, and I am an incredibly privileged individual in so many ways. There is so much to improve because mental health supports are absolutely an essential service and regardless of if someone experiences mental illness specifically, we ALL have mental health that needs tending to.

I still struggle, as I did before, but I am still here - taking pictures of life in the place I nearly lost mine;

- S.