What I have learned (unlearned, or may still be learning) from the month of April…
How good it feels to step back into the role of nurse, hand-in-hand with how exhausting it feels to continue to try and advocate for oneself as a patient.
How I have grown in the sense of knowing how I (and those I care about) deserve to be treated, and leaving any unhealthy dynamic that reminds me of the most painful parts of my past.
That grief comes in waves - anger that is energizing if I harness it well, disappointment that wears away trust, and sadness that feels defeating. One cannot rush past these feelings - they must run their own course, like a river returning to the sea.
The reminder that touching another's life is one of the most sacred things we can ever do, and if we are in a position of power (caring for) when we do so, we have the responsibility to be humble to each person's own experience and wisdom.
How much I still hold people in positions of power in esteem that I rather would not grant them, without them earning my trust, brick by brick. If this structure is damaged, it quickly falls and my reverence turns to disappointment as any respect I once had, evaporates. I do not care for titles and credentials if people do not acknowledge their privilege and act accordingly. Words mean little if actions are contradictory. For now, I cannot see that as anything else but cowardice.
How exhausting it is to pour one's story again and again, through a sieve of supposed listening.
How to marvel at the camas that blooms each spring: even though I witness it each year, it takes me by surprise.
The comfort that only peers can provide and the value of safe spaces.
Probably much more...
April has been a tumultuous month - much like the sudden changes in the season's mood, it has been full of ups and downs. It has been raw and joyous, heavy and bright.
We will see what May brings.
- S.
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