The biggest losses I’ve ever incurred from my eating disorder (or related mental health struggles) were not weight or health (although those were often the things I looked to as markers of “success” in being unwell and feeling validated in my struggles), but rather the opportunities, time, purpose, sense of my own values, experiences, and relationships I lost out on. It was a sense of any quality of life that disappeared.
I have missed out on numerous opportunities (whether by “choice” or not), experiences, and valuable time. It took me two years longer to get my degree than I had planned. While my colleagues were doing their practicum placements, I was a patient (sometimes in settings where they were placed which was beyond uncomfortable.) The relationships I started building in my nursing program were damaged or lost altogether when I couldn’t finish the program with the people I started it with. In the time of COVID, I've been unable to offer much help to my colleagues as my own struggles took over my life and pulled me to the darkest depths I have ever known. Even when I was younger and first started struggling, I lost time in school and my closest friendships were seriously impacted at the time. I don’t say this with blame, but with understanding and empathy.
The biggest losses from an eating disorder are often not the ones that get talked about the most (i.e. weight, health, and the things that are more easily measured.) In the same way, the biggest gains in recovery are also often not visible or easily measured. How do you weigh a fuller life? How do you measure broader experiences or lessons learned through self-enquiry?
We need to understand that eating disorders are about so much more than food and weight - they are complex coping mechanisms for deeper issues. Depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction, bipolar disorder, gender dysphoria, and so on... All of these thing entangle with the eating disorder which becomes a means of survival. This is why it is critical that treatment options allow persons to fully explore and work through the deeper underlying causes and maintaining factors that have kept their eating disorder in place. It is not just about ceasing behaviours, nourishing ourselves, and allowing our bodies to become healthier, whatever that may look like (although this is part of the picture). It's about being mentally and physically stable enough to delve into the more entangled roots that lie at the base of the eating disorder, to work through them while learning new coping mechanisms to survive and heal the damage that exists there.
While my experience with an eating disorder and related mental health struggles have cost me in many ways, there is meaning I choose to take from those experiences as well, and ways in which I choose to see how they’ve shaped me for the better. I might not be a nurse if it weren’t for my own experiences. I might not have the same relationships or have had the same chance to be authentic with others. I might not have worked through challenges with friendships to arrive at stronger relationships. I might not have seen love in the same ways. I might not have the same degree of compassion or value openness and understanding in the same way. While none of these things are easily measured, they are the most meaningful to me.
- S.
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