I do not typically speak to specifics in my own healing journey at present. My fear is negatively impacting others or unintentionally influencing other's consideration of treatment options in my community. This is just my experience and the internet doesn't typically lend itself to nuanced discussion. Each person's experience with services, even across their own life, will differ. So I speak perhaps a bit cryptically here; those who know, will know.
Much of the last few months, in navigating my own healing journey, has not gone how I had hoped and I’m still grieving that…While I logically know I’m not being abandoned in some sense, I do feel it in my being… It’s that sense of being alone, adrift, and without steady ground.
Trust is achingly hard for me, even if people possess the characteristics of being trustworthy. I don’t want to think in this way, but I still search for the traditional sense of God and omnipotent protection I gave up believing in long ago.
I seek it in authority figures and systems that I also rail against. I crave the blind safety it gave me in spite of the damage it did (and still does when I seek it out in external authority figures, whether those are people or institutions.) I want the safety of someone knowing the ultimate and guiding my path, while desperately valuing different ideals than can be located in traditional structures. I crave independence while wanting the control taken out of my hands. I long for childhood while exploring my early adulthood with determination.
I don’t have answers to this (or many of life's questions) and no one really does. That is what scares me…
I am still learning this in between space and I know I carry it in me to find my way forward, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt at present.
I know I am not being abandoned, but I still feel the ache of this old wound and I may for some time.
- S.
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